This man decided to make a sandwich, but you WON’T BELIEVE what happened next. My jaw dropped! How is this even possible? An AMAZING life hack you NEED to see! You’ve been doing it wrong your whole life. This. Changes. EVERYTHING.
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Uh, I put the jam on first when I’m making a PB and J.
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Oh come on! It’s a school zone when the lights are flashing or children are present, like the sign RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU says. No lights, no kids—you don’t have to go twenty miles an hour NOW, you idiot.
Okay, we’re past the school zone…that means you can speed up. Damn it, don’t tell me you’re going to creep along all the way to the roundabout a quarter of a mile away. Why yes, yes you are. ’Cause none of the people in the six or seven cars behind you have anywhere to be, right? Thanks for being our pace car.
For chrissakes, you don’t have to stop at a crosswalk when there’s no one near it! I’ll bet you come to a complete stop at the traffic circle, too, even if it’s empty.
Ding, ding, ding—we have a winner! And you get extra points for unnecessary signaling. You kinda got my hopes up that you were actually going to turn right at the street there instead of just entering the roundabout.
Well, imagine that! You managed to exit the thing on the first try. Good job. Now you’re going to speed up, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!
Of course you’re headed to the same place I am. Why would I expect anything else? Be sure to go as slow as possible through the entire lot even though I can see two empty spots at the end of the row from here.
Ah, finally parked! If I hustle, I won’t be late.
Shit. You’re still holding me up. “Yes?”
“I’m looking for a seminar called ‘The Virtue of Patience: How to Slow Down in Today’s Hurry-up World’—do you happen to know what room it’s in?”
Yup, exactly the same place I’m headed. Great. “As a matter of fact, I do. Follow me.”
When two young, moderately successful vaudeville performers teamed up for a comedy act in 1923, it didn’t take long to realize that they had found the right fit — both personally and professionally — and that their future success would be far beyond moderate. Together, George Burns and Gracie Allen, who married in 1926, formed one of the most popular and enduring comic duos in entertainment history.
Burns was largely responsible for creating the characters the couple played throughout their long career, which spanned vaudeville, movies, radio and television. He performed the straight man role in the routine to understated perfection, and always credited Gracie for the team’s popularity (although he deserved at least as much himself). Allen’s character was fashioned after what was known in vaudeville as a “Dumb Dora” act (named for the zany female protagonist in an early motion picture), but everyone, including the audience, knew it was just that: an act.
Although Burns and Allen stopped performing together with Gracie’s retirement in 1958 their smart and affectionate humor caught my attention some 20 years later, and I’ve been a fan ever since. This is my homage to them, an original radio skit set in the late 1940s, during the period when their weekly show was called “Maxwell House Coffee Time” after the sponsor.
Here, then, is “Gracie’s Collection.”
GRACIE: Gracie Allen, a seemingly scatterbrained woman who is, in fact, keenly intelligent and witty.
GEORGE: George Burns, husband of Gracie Allen and straight man to her “comedic” character.
* * *
MUSIC: PROGRAM THEME–UP. Establish. CONTINUE UNDER.
ANNOUNCER: Gracie will be heading out soon to a meeting of her women’s club, but wants to show her husband something before she departs…
MUSIC: UP, THEN FADE OUT
GRACIE: George, look at this and tell me what you think.
GEORGE: I think I don’t know what I’m looking at.
GRACIE: It’s my new collection, silly. I’m going to enter it in the county fair next week.
GEORGE: This isn’t a collection, sweetheart, it’s just an odd assortment of items.
GRACIE: Yes, that’s right. My collections are known for their eclecticity.
GEORGE: Ah…eclecticity? Are you sure you don’t mean eccentricity?
GRACIE: George! Now you’re calling my collection peculiar!
GEORGE: No, I just meant that eclecticity isn’t a real word. Since you mentioned it, though, I’m not sure how a thimble, a bottle opener, a partly filled book of S&H Green Stamps, an old tobacco pipe, a necktie and an empty Maxwell House coffee tin can be considered a collection. A collection has to have a theme, a common bond.
GRACIE: It does! These are all items that were missing, but turned up while I was doing the spring cleaning.
GEORGE: I see. And what are you calling this collection?
GRACIE: Amazing Grace.
GEORGE: Do you mean to say you named it after yourself?
GRACIE: Oh no, it’s named after the hymn. You know, “I once was lost, but now am found…”
GEORGE: So the theme is found objects. But what do you have to say about the fact that eclecticity is not a proper word?
GRACIE: Well, if it isn’t, it ought to be…just like the other “-icity”words.
GEORGE: [Pauses] Come again?
GRACIE: It’s simple. The Electrolux is powered by…
GRACIE: Howard Hughes is in the news for his…
GRACIE: And my collection is known for its…
GEORGE: [Resignedly] Eclecticity… But Gracie, you can’t go around inventing words.
GRACIE: Who’s to say I can’t? Writers have made up words all through history. Chaucer did it, and Shakespeare did too.
GEORGE: Now, kid, I don’t mean to cause offense, but you’re no Chaucer or Shakespeare.
GRACIE: Well, I’d say they’re no Mrs. George Burns, either.
“Lost and Found,” the second installment of my Short Tales series, is available as an ebook published by Select Stories. The story is an affectionate look at a few of the pitfalls and mishaps faced by a couple navigating a new romance. Jane and Martin both have past histories: love, loss and unforeseen changes, but through everything, they’ve been bolstered by their dog and cat, companions as devoted to each other as they are to their people. The appearance of a vindictive ex serves to catapult the two-legged protagonists into action, spurred on by an unexpected development.
Title: Lost and Found: A Short Tale of Dogged Determination
Author: M.P. Witwer
Length: Approximately 2,300 words
I made this custom handcrafted artisan clay tile, approximately 11″ x 9″, expressly for Hoot! — a gala event and auction to benefit Chimpanzee Sanctuary Northwest. The tile features a head and shoulders carving of Foxie Chimpanzee (depicted in shades of teal) against a background of bold brush strokes in vivid colors, among which are hidden two images of Foxie’s beloved troll dolls.
Oh dear, what a turn of bad luck—
In rhyme, my thought process is stuck!
It’s my fate to find pleasure
In syntax with measure,
‘Til I pull myself out of this…messy situation.
(Whew! I’m so relieved, I’m dumbstruck.)